An Introduction to the Game of Polo

Polo Ponies

These are the stars of the game of Polo, and are often seen to kick the ball, or stop it when the rider is unable to.  Polo Ponies may now be almost any shape or size, but must not be (a) a cow, or (b) a pig; They must have four good legs and two eyes (see Field Rule 3).

The new player will do well to remember that Polo Ponies have a thorough knowledge of the rules of Polo and therefore all the rider has to do is to stay aboard, and strike the ball with his stick when the pony indicates that he should do so, Polo Ponies are also noted for instant recognition of the competence of their riders, and for according the appropriate degree of respect.

The Players

Each player has an official handicap, which may be deduced by the use of the following scale:

• -2 - This player shows great willingness to play the game, but is shy, and therefore spoken to gently. A quiet player.
• -1 - Enthusiastic and often shows great dash, Always shouted at.
• 0 - Is seen to advise -2 and -1, but is shouted at loudly (with expletives) by those of a higher handicap.
• 1 - Entitled to shout back when shouted at. Offers opinion to Umpire, Shouts at -1 and 0.
• 2 - Umpire asks his opinion. Entitled to shout at everyone, except 4 and higher. Sometimes carries own whistle.
• 3 - Tells the Umpire what to do. Carries own whistle. Only shouts at team’s No 1.
• 4 - Ponies seem to be in agreement with these most of the time. Sometimes addressed in jocular tones as “Professional Foul”.  Only shouts at Team Captain.
• 5 - Silent in play. Umpires speak deferentially to these, and cultivate their opinions.
• 6 - Silent in play. Umpire laughs when penalising this one.
• 7-10 - The words Omnipotent and God are used when talking about these.

Team Handicaps

The handicaps of each player in the team are added together and the total arrived at, submitted to the scorer who decides which team shall have an unfair advantage.

The Team

After consultation on the field, the teams are generally reduced to four players on each side before the start of the first play (chukka).

One or two additional players are sometimes allowed to remain on the field of play, on condition that they wear stripped shirts and don’t interfere with the play (see notes on Umpires).

Players on each team will often be seen to have numbers on their backs. These numbers are usually wrong, the correct numbering can be deduced as follows:

• No 1 - This is the player that the rest of the team shout at, and is generally supposed to be nearest to the opponent’s goal (so he can show the others where it is).
• No 2 - Identified by his cries of “Mine” and “Leave it you idiot” etc to the No 1.
• No 3 - Is there because he has no faith in No2’s ability to hit the ball.
• No 4 - Is the team cynic and has no faith in anyone.

The Officials

The Goal Judge

These are very nimble officials, stationed at opposite ends of the field of play. Noted for their sympathy for the ball and for their phenomenal power of avoidance when players try to run them down; they taunt players by waving a flag or by holding up a fresh ball.

The Umpires

Chosen for coolness under pressure, mounted on nimble ponies they have been compelled by the players to wear striped shirts, so as to be an easy target. They are often seen to stop the game in order to debate whose turn it was to blow the whistle, the matter then being referred to the Referee, before play resumes.

The Referee

This official is held in great respect, and has a chair of his own (for duties see Umpires).

The Timekeeper

An official who is equipped with an alarm clock. He is there to wake the spectators, by ringing a bell or blowing a horn when play has ceased.

The Commentator

An experienced player or former player, in command of the public address system. Appointed to inform players when they have missed the ball.

The Lady Prize Giver

Person of great beauty, whose smile rewards the players for enduring the hardships of the game. The rumor that the nervous man in the crowd is her husband is correct.

The Ball

A white spherical animal, not more than 3.5 inches in height, which players try to coax through the opponents goal.
Obstinate and very temperamental, it is because of this that it is sometimes picked up by the Umpire and dropped contemptuously nearer the goal. Polo balls are very carefully bred, reputed to be totally insensitive to pain, and are said to enjoy the game very much. They are often known to take refuge under a stationary pony. People new to the game must assess the morality of the situation for themselves.

The Boards

You will notice that on many Polo grounds there are a continuous line of boards on each side of the field of play. These are to discourage the ball from running away. The boards are usually eleven inches high, not in contemplation of the ball (which cannot jump at all unless compelled to) but because polo ponies are not trained to jump obstacles of greater height.

Grooms

During play these will be found by going to the edge of the ground and shouting “stick” three times. You will then be presented with a polo stick that is fitted to your ponies size.

The Game

It will be noted that the game itself consists of urgent rushes up and down the field of play. These may be with or without the ball, which doesn’t always join in.

Frequently, the play will stop and one player will be left alone with the ball. When Umpires shout “play” this player will ride away from the ball (so as to give the appearance of disinterest) before returning again to wave his stick at it. At this signal the teams may resume their rushing about, but the ball does not always join in.

During play each player will be seen to adopt a broad grin of delight, and points are awarded for maintaining this throughout the chukka. Opponents will try and break this expression by hooking the player’s stick when he tries to strike the ball.

Ladies Section

Advice for the wives, girlfriends, etc of Polo players:

• Polo is not a game but an insidious condition.
• In the initial stages the young player, though formerly shy and self-effacing, acquires a gleam in the eye that even his mother hasn’t seen.

As the condition takes hold the symptoms are very obvious:

• After only mild exposure to Polo, some men continue to support “family outings” to the seaside, even to the wild life park, but they become increasingly irritable and rapidly succumb. Once “Chukka Twitch” has set in there is only one thing for it. If you want to see your man at all it has to be on the Polo ground, and from that moment on.

In sheer self-defense some brave females have actually taken up Polo themselves. This is not recommended because they usually prove to be excellent riders and very quick to pick up the rules. After the first blush they learn to ignore shouts of “take that woman”, and they have a natural instinct for a near side backhand shot, to which there is no answer.

Those that are wise confine themselves to the supporting role.....

© Binfield Heath Polo Club

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